Rain drops slide slowly down the window outside, looking like tears.
Maybe the sky is weeping for me as I have no tears left to cry.
More drops roll by and I watch them make their slow decent to the ground.  Concentrating on something that would keep the memories at bay, anything that would stop the continual replay within my mind.
The drops were coming faster now as the rain beat down seeming with a vengeance.  This wouldn’t last, would likely exhaust itself before too long.
There is movement behind me and I turn my face to catch my mother’s eye.
I turn back and my eyes lose focus as I do.  I can no longer see rain drops as the memories swell.
‘You should come and have something to eat.  Lunch is ready in the kitchen.’ She paused as I don’t respond but how can I when I am stuck in the replay the moments over again.

Noise.  So much Noise.  Yelling, screaming.  Then the loud bang of something heavy like furniture being shoved.  
Finally there is silence but the peace that should bring is broken by the dread that sets in.  Something is not right, something is wrong.
I begin to stand, moving towards the door, fear making my actions sharp and slightly unsteady.
Breathe, just breathe.  It’s ok, it’s all ok.
I open the door slowly and with care to muffle the noise.  Taking a deep breathe I move through the open doorway and into the hall.
‘What are you doing down there?  Get up!  You’re not hurt!  I said get up!’  More sudden yelling and I freeze, I can hear my heart beat.
Something is wrong.
More shoving noises, then the sound of the outside door being thrown open.
I feel the loss of tension the same moment I hear footsteps to the door outside and I release the air I didn’t realize I had held.

‘You will feel better if you eat something.  Come on, join the family.’  My mother moves towards me, reaches out to touch me.
I jump back, the memories retreat.  I can see her face as she drops her hand.
Maybe the sky cries for her.
I look at her, regret in my face as she turns back to the door.
‘You should eat.’
She leaves quietly and I turn back to watch the tears on the window again.
The rain lets up a little but the droplets still make their tracks down the glass.
The memories return, what has been started needs to be finished.

The kitchen door is in front of me.  An eternity goes by before I push it open, dreading what I am going to find.
Nothing.  The room is empty.
I move entirely into the room and look around.
The only thing out of place is the table, with a chair knocked over.
I bend quietly to pick up the chair and move to restore the table to its original position.  Erasing the events from the room.
As I bend down I notice red on the chair, then again on the table.  There is more on the floor.
My heart rate doubles as I look around with more panic.
Who?
For no obvious reason I notice the pantry door and I quietly moved towards it.
With a quick glance over my shoulder to the outside door, I slowly open the pantry.


There is a slight knock and the door is opened.
My brother slowly enters the room.
‘Hey, I was going to watch a movie.’  I hear what he really wants to ask.  Come join us?
I turn to him with a slight smile which dies as I see the bruise and the stitches, he notices.
‘It doesn’t hurt.  Not anymore.’
Liar.
I take a breath and shake my head.
I turn back to the window and my brother comes to stand beside me.  Quietly we watch the sky together but we see different things.
Suddenly I turn to look at him to check the healing in process but that is not what I see.

The pantry door is open and the light spills in.
He is in the corner, knees to his chin and hand holding his head.
There is blood.
‘Go away!’
My heart breaks slightly.
‘It’s ok.’  I offer my hand.
He has tears in his eyes.
‘Just go away.’  I hear the pleading in his voice to leave him there in the dark.
‘Come on, it’s ok.’
Time goes by and eventually he takes my hand.

I reach up and brush his hair lightly with my fingers.
‘It’s not ok.  It’s never ok.’
My brother looks me in the eye.
‘He’s not here right now.  You can come and watch a movie, if you want?’
I can see the edge of tears in his eyes, not there this moment but ready at anytime, which is something I have lost.
‘I can’t.’  I shake my head again.  ‘I’m sorry but it’s not ok this time.  I can’t let it be ok.’
My brother turns back to watch the rain.  I turn back to watch the sky weep, its tears as quiet as mine would have been.
‘It’s just like last time.’
I shake my head again.
‘Not this time.’
I hear him leave and shut the door.
An unknown time passes and the rain slows to a stop.
Finally I hear the outside door open.
My door handle turns and my mother steps inside once again.
‘Your father is home now.  You should come and join the family.’
I look at her and can feel her apprehension; she knows something has changed, I have changed.
‘How is he?’
‘He is better.  It will be ok.  He is sorry.’
‘He always is.’ I turn back to the window.  ‘I can’t pretend, this time, until we all forget.’
I hear my mother move into the room but I am shocked when she touches my shoulder.
‘Come and join us in the lounge room?’  She is pleading now.  ‘It will be ok.’
I break from her grasp and l leap back.
‘I can’t believe that lie anymore!’  I can tell by her shock that I am yelling.
‘It’s not ok, it’s never ok!’  There is pain in my voice and in her eyes.
‘What do you want me to do?’  Those words trigger a different memory.

‘What do you want me to do?’
I am in a hospital, sitting on a white bed in a soullessly clean room.
My arm throbs and I hold it close to me trying to will it better.
There are tears in my eyes as I look at my mother.  Tears of pain, tears of love and trust betrayed.
A man in a white coat walks in, he is smiling slightly.
‘Now what have you done to yourself?’
I look at my mother for guidance.
‘She fell down outside, banged her arm.’
I watch my mother avoid looking at me and slowly my tears dry.

I shake my head to clear the memories.
‘Stop lying.’
I turn back to the window and my mother turns with me.
Outside the day is clearing up and the drops on the window are still.
‘Would that really be better?’